I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that no matter how hot she is, someone else is tired of her crap.

I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it.

I've learned that you can get by on charm for about fifteen minutes. After that, you'd better have a big weenie or huge boobs.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that you can keep puking long after you think you're finished.

I've learned to never wrestle with a pig; you get dirty and the pig likes it.

I've learned that we are responsible for what we do, unless we are celebrities or politicians.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

I've learned that no matter how bad things seem to be, it could always be worse.

I've learned not to sweat the small stuff.

I've learned that it's all small stuff.

I've learned that it takes a big man to cry.

I've learned that it takes an even bigger man to laugh at the big man crying.

I've learned that the first year of marriage is not the hardest, the last year is.

I've learned that married men live longer than single men, but married men are a lot more willing to die.

I've learned that the early bird still has to eat worms.

I've learned that if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

I've learned to never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.

I've learned that fat people use more soap.

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